Immortals (2011)

There is a scene in the movie Immortals in which the viciously evil nature of the villain, played by Mickey Rourke, is fully shown for the first time. He gives a long-winded speech about nothing in particular and then kills the man he is talking to. This scene is almost perfectly repeated multiple times during the course of the film, discarding any hope of shock or even interest. Talk about learning by repetition. This movie thinks we're idiots. That's what I thought when I saw it anyway, when really, it's the creators who are the idiots. Director Tarsem Singh has created a fairly interesting fantasy world which he clearly cares nothing about and unleashes a series of events that are so haphazardly and confusingly thrown together that I get the impression that the filmed material would have been put to better use as a collection of Greek-inspired music videos. At least they might have been entertaining. The whole thing feels like watching a movie made by that geeky guy in high school who "made movies" with his camcorder and friends, except he's been given millions of dollars. He just doesn't know what to with himself and out comes what is undeniably one of the very worst movies in an already bad year.

Henry Cavill stars as the hero who is heroic. Besides this trait and the fact that his mother dies, we know nothing whatever about him. He is on a quest to find a magic bow before the equally one-sided villain does. The bow, you see, can produce arrows whenever it is touched, and the villain wants it to take over the world. How he plans to go about that, I haven't a clue. Although, the bow can do some surprising things. Take, for instance, the scene in which the hero releases four arrows, each separated by a notable hesitation, and they all land at the same time. Is this one of the bow's powers or just sloppy film work? I'm leaning towards the latter, based on the numerous fight scenes that feature, if you look closely past all the showy editing, the hero marching in a straight line while the bad guys walk into his sword. There is also an extended subplot involving the gods, complete with laughably absurd costumes, whose scenes matter little because they are all killed at the end with little fanfare or reason. The movie's primary fault is the lack of sentiment. The hero's mother dies and her demise is used as a throwaway plot device. A main character dies in the climax and is forgotten instantly. Even the romantic build-up between the hero and a girl with seeing powers results merely in a bedroom scene that wouldn't be any more out of place in a Disney movie, the effects of which should have led to the interesting obvious, but only produce more befuddling nonsense.

Clearly, I hated this movie. I hated it for promising thrills, but only providing ploys. The budget apparently allowed for an enormous wave to be racing towards a precariously placed village, but could not afford to show it crash. I hated it for providing young actors with roles that will probably harm their future career instead of helping it. I can't even say that Cavill's performance was bad, because the material never gives him a chance to do any acting, good or otherwise. I especially hated this movie for the way people enjoyed it, lacking the intelligence to realize they were being conned. At my screening, there were grown men letting out satisfied snickers at the gory parts. There is a scene in which a very minor character, who gets better moments than anyone else, has his genitals smashed with a large hammer, because that is the most horrifying thing that could be included in a "guy" movie, certainly worse than all the random death and carnage. That made me think about the fact that modern Hollywood is just pandering to one big immature audience. Last weekend, the girls were giggling at Breaking Dawn and the guys were giggling at Immortals. Both provide the same basic entertainment and nobody wins.

3/10