The Man with the Iron Fists (2012)

The Man with the Iron Fists is the most miserable thing currently showing at the movies. It stars "singer" RZA, who also made his directorial debut here, as a blacksmith in a small Chinese village, who makes weapons for folks. Lucy Liu also stars as the madam of a brothel, which is visited by a British soldier "on vacation," played by Russel Crowe. The story involves a "Lion clan," the leader of which was Gold Lion who was killed by Silver Lion who now is going around terrorizing the village with his evil tyranny. Then there's something about some gold that Silver Lion wants that Madam Blossom has, but doesn't want to part with. The blacksmith also gets his hands cut off at one point, which forces him to attach new iron ones, hence the title.

As you may be able to tell, I did not enjoy this movie. The whole thing makes no sense and has no point, and is all done with the tongue halfway in cheek. Some of the movie seems intentionally silly for the purpose of parody or homage. If this is the case, it seems to me that RZA and company have no real knowledge of the genre they're parodying or paying homage to. I suspect that the movie grew more from a cut-out pop culture understanding of martial arts movies than from a love of the style itself. This could have easily been a rap music video. On the other hand, I get the distinct impression that the movie is actually not supposed to be silly, but seriously cool. If that is the case, it failed so much. I not only couldn't keep up with what the movie was even doing, I never cared if I did.

RZA is obviously incompetent as a film-maker, since his first feature jumps right into the territory of indulgence. I can only assume that he at least thought that what he was doing was neat-o, though I can't imagine anyone else being truly in on the joke. Anyone, that is, except for Russel Crowe, who is the only actor in the whole movie who brought along a surprising whimsy to his character, rather than the forced eccentricity of the others. The movie, which admittedly may have had good-looking art design, was also hideously filmed. Most shots stay uncomfortably close-up, only going wide when there's nothing to see, and others are framed so poorly, they may be interpreted as intentionally humorous, but I strongly suspect they're just bad.

If all that weren't enough to condemn The Man with the Iron Fists, it is particularly lacking in the logic department. There is a main character who comes and goes in the movie without any purpose that I can remember, whose skin can turn into metal or something, making him almost unbeatable. How he became like this, how he is inevitably defeated, or what he's doing in the movie at all remains a mystery. There is also a bizarre scene during the final battle that takes place in a room of mirrors that nobody would have had any earthly reason for building. Some of you will not take my advice to ignore this movie's existence and will see it based on the pretense that it will be fun. Please save yourself some time and trust me. It isn't.

3/10