Jobs (2013)

You’d think it would be fairly difficult to screw up a movie about someone who has lived the life that Steve Jobs did. Creator of such modern staples of technology as the ipod and the feasible home computer, Jobs is probably one of the most influential figures in modern American history. A capable film-making team might have been able to create an accurate, entertaining and informative picture about the man, but unfortunately the new movie Jobs was directed by Joshua Michael Stern and written by Matt Whitely. I did not know either of those names before, but I will make an effort to remember them now, so that I never have to endure anything they touch again.

In the film, the career of Steve Jobs is touched upon in snippets, like a leaflet that scratches the surface of a lifetime of achievements without weighing down the perusal with such pesky matters as personality, family or any real finality. Ashton Kutcher stars as the titular hero of our best-of show. If this movie paints a remotely true picture of what the man was like, I think I hate Steve Jobs. Is Kutcher any good? Well, judging from his performance here, he’d probably do well starring in a Jesus movie. Since that’s what this movie was going for, yeah, I guess he’s alright. The entire production is set up as a series of accomplishments. Jobs’ story couldn’t be told without a few personal bumps in the road, and the decision was made to get over those as quickly as possible. As the engineer steals, cheats and alienates friends and family, these incidents are washed over with a brisk suggestion of the greater good.

In general, Jobs is portrayed as a technology prophet who doesn’t really do anything wrong. Throughout the film, dozens of idiot disciples follow him around, mouths agape, taking in each precious movement he makes, marking down all statements as Apple doctrine. His detractors are quickly silenced by Jobs’ undeniable wisdom. The friends he has wronged leave his enterprise almost apologetically, and we seem to be told that they are the dummies for leaving this sacred enterprise. Almost every time Jobs opens his mouth, violins begin to play in the distance, noting that this genius of our times will be gracing us with yet another sermon about adapting to the times. The Steve Jobs of this movie is more of a god than a human being. The movie doesn’t accomplish anything except solidify that he had a strong hand in creating some of our greatest machines, but we already knew that. What the movie fails to do is provide any insight into who the man was, what drove him, how he actually felt about all the things that happen so briefly in the film (Crying and shouting don’t count as insightful emotions without any context.) or even friggin’ tell his story in a way that comes anyplace near completion. To say this is like the Reader’s Digest Condensed version of Jobs’ life is putting it mildly.

If I sound harsh towards the film, then I have done my job well. Watching Jobs is a truly infuriating experience. Those who made it clearly have no idea how to form even the most basic structure of a narrative film (There are more music montages than there is story. Vital characters appear out of nowhere and are dismissed just as quickly. Etc.). They are also clearly too enamored by the movie’s subject to give him a fair shake at real cinematic immortality. Despite all the holiness Kutcher’s Jobs exudes, the fact that he is a real prick is never completely forgotten. As such, if the movie had showed us a more flawed individual of success, instead of someone who does absolutely nothing and is applauded for it (Literally. Several times.), perhaps we could have related to it more than we ever will a throwaway history lesson in Apple Computers. I must now mention David Fincher’s thematically similar picture The Social Network, which concerned the very irredeemably flawed creator of Facebook creator Mark Zuckerberg. I only mention it in the same breath as Jobs in order to demonstrate just how far off-track this new movie got. The Social Network is unforgettable genius. Jobs isn’t worthy of middle-of-the-night television.

3/10