In the opening scene, the girl named Sam is looking at this nice house that she's considering renting. The landlady seems to think that because Sam didn't pull a gun or do crack during the house tour, she must be a nice girl. So the landlady makes Sam an offer she can't refuse: no first-month installment. Wow. Sam's practically moved in already, and she's pretty happy about her good fortune, as evidenced by her jaunty skipping through the opening credits.
The bad news is that she's completely broke and has no way of paying for any new living arrangements. Realizing this is clearly a bummer for Sam, as evidenced by the way she turns on all the sink faucets in her college dorm restroom so she can cry in a stall, which she does without even shutting the door. According to Ti West's research, this is what all young ladies do when they need a cry.
So, you may be thinking that the devilish house of the title is the one Sam's trying to rent, so some money'll show up out of nowhere and she'll move in and creepy things'll happen, right? NO. You're way off. Ti West has more up his sleeve than that! There's another house, dummy! A Bigger, Scarier, More Out of the Way house!
Enter the BABYSITTER NEEDED advertisement hanging on the college pinboard, complete with phone number, so you know it's safe. Sam calls the number on a pay phone and it rivetingly rings and rings and rings and rings and nobody answers. So she hangs up and walks away, but then it rings back! She answers it and it's the guy! The one who needs the babysitter! He called back the payphone even though there's no way he could have done that in nineteen-eighty-whatever! Spooky, right?
NO. This is perfectly normal, the movie insists, and there is no reason yet for Sam to be alarmed. So she agrees to wait for this guy outside of some building at the college, and she rivetingly waits and waits and waits and waits. When he doesn't show, she gets frustrated and goes out for pizza with her Greta Gerwig friend, played adequately by Greta Gerwig.
Interesting fact: both girls bought a lot of pizza. Greta Gerwig takes one bite and says it's dusgusting. Sam doesn't even touch hers. This is how to spend money when you're broke and are trying to rent a new home.
During the riveting meal, the Greta Gerwig friend insists that the guy is a jerk and that Sam shouldn't want to work for a creep like that anyway. Then, she suggests that Sam take down every one of his advertisements so that she'll be the only one who calls and she'll get the job for sure. Sam thinks this is a stupid idea, but Greta Gerwig does it anyway because that's what Greta Gerwig friends do.
So, Sam goes back to her dorm room where her roommate sleeps all day and literally lives like a pig. Like, just looking at this place makes you want to bathe, so naturally this girl would do anything to get the money to get a new place, the movie screams at us. So, the guy again miraculously calls her back and the Greta Gerwig friend drives Sam out to this ridiculously middle-of-nowhere home for this babysitting job.
Aha, the guy is old and spooky and acts like Lurch and creepily comments on how pretty the two girls are. Time to turn back, right? NO. Sam needs the money because her roommate cannot be reasoned with. She presses on.
Hmmm, but the guy then tells her that they have no child (Except for a son that's grown-up now. Save that for later, it's IMPORTANT.), and that the job is actually to housesit while the guy's sick mother-in-law sleeps upstairs. Sam says no way would she do that for less than $400, and the guy feverishly hands over the money without hesitation, and that's in nineteen-eighty-whatever money! He then says that Greta Gerwig can't stay because he can't afford to pay two housesitters. Another red flag, Sam. Are you sure you wanna go through with this? ABSOLUTELY, WHY NOT?
Now, I must mention that there's some sort of super-rare lunar eclipse happening that night and that's all anybody on the radio or TV is talking about. That's also why the creepy man and his wife are leaving, to go to a lunar eclipse party (!?!) that simply can't be cancelled. Also, the movie makes a point of showing Greta Gerwig eating a piece of candy out of a bowl, clearly finding it gross, and then stealing some more for her purse. I don't know why we need to know this.
Gerwig then leaves, completely stops her car in the middle of nowhere and rolls down her window so she can have a smoke while all alone. A bearded man comes out of the shadows and asks her if she's the babysitter. She should have said, "Yes. I am obviously the babysitter since I'm sitting out here babysitting and everything," but instead she says, "Uh, nooooo..." and he understandably shoots her in the head for that.
The creepy wife of the creepy man then comes out of the cellar, because that's where she claims to keep her fur coats, so deal with that. As they're leaving, the guy says something like, "There's a number for pizza on the fridge if you want it. Have a good night. You can order pizza if you want to. Keep an ear out for the old lady. BUY SOME PIZZA!" And they go on their merry way.
The rest of the movie is mostly Sam exploring the perfectly normal house. At one point, she ignores her one job (listening for any problems with the old lady) and puts in headphones to listen to loud music. She does this while dancing around carelessly and knocks over a vase. Why does the movie have her do this? So that she notices the closet the vase was next to. Why does she need to do that? So that she'll find pictures of the couple and their old car that are lying on the floor of the closet in plain view. Why does that matter? Because now she'll go outside and notice that the same car is in the driveway right now! So? SHUT UP!
Yes, Sam orders pizza (The devil's food, apparently.). Yes, it is delivered by the bearded man from earlier. Yes, that is the couple's grown-up son (I told you it was IMPORTANT!). Yes, they turn out to be Satan worshippers, which came as a complete surprise to me despite the title of the film. No, that does not explain why they needed to go through all this nonsense about not really leaving the house in order to capture Sam. But yes, the old woman does come out of hiding to pour blood in/onto Sam's gagged mouth. And yes, the movie does end with a shot that suggests that Sam will probably maybe give birth to the Antichrist or something whatever I don't know.
In the end, House of the Devil has a grand total of two (2) frightening moments of any kind, which is enough to be worth something, right? NO.
*****
Are you one of the eight people who was frightened by this film? Explain your beliefs in the comments below or to me personally at beauxmoviemail@gmail.com!
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