Pop Star Brings Booty Safely Home; Grateful Nation Rejoices

WARNING!!!!!!!! This post has nothing to do with movies and contains strong language partially censored by asterisks. If you are offended by such things, I absolutely FORBID you to read any further!

So, a little while back, during a brief trip with my father to buy a pizza or something, we were flipping through radio stations. I must stress that this is not something I personally ever do. My only exposure to popular music is through others, but there is a song that I had previously been aware of called “All About That Bass.” Perhaps you too have heard of it. If not, ask your 5-year-old daughter and openly weep with regret as she recites every lyric from memory and even does a unique dance spawned from her intense love for the song. WHERE DID YOU GO WRONG?!

Anyway, without actually knowing any of the song myself, except for the handful of words that are repeated so frequently they will make your head fall off, I would sometimes jokingly insert those words into everyday conversation. For example, were someone to ask of me, “You don’t like country music? Why?” I could respond, “Because it’s terrible, you stupid twit!” Maybe that’s not the best example.

When my father was flipping through the stations, we happened upon this song and I said, “Oh! There’s that song I’m always mocking!” So we listened to it. We ultimately determined that the popularity of the song is due to the catchiness of the repetitive chorus, which is very catchy indeed. But while struggling to understand the content of the rest of the song, the non-catchy parts nobody knows, I ascertained that it was a celebration of the singer, one Meghan Trainor, and her mother’s sluttiness. Surely this wasn’t the case, as this is a song beloved by Americans of all ages! I decided to take a bit of a closer look at the song, and invite you to join me!

It begins thusly:

Because you know I’m all about that bass, ‘bout that bass, no treble

Oh, dear. I seem to have arrived late and missed the opening of the dissertation. It appears a question was asked, something probably akin to, “Why are your songs so dumb?” to which the answer is apparently, “Because you know I’m all about that bass, no treble.” Actually, as much as Ms. Trainor would like to insist to the contrary, this is the first time such knowledge was made evident to me. How could I have known you were all about that bass if you don’t ever tell me? And of which specific bass are you so fond? And why are you so against treble when your song simply could not exist without it? Our relationship will get positively nowhere with poor communication like this.

After repeating her declaration of life-long devotion to that bass a few more times, we are treated to the first verse:

Yeah, it’s pretty clear, I ain’t no size two

But I can shake it, shake it

Like I’m supposed to do

‘Cause I got that boom-boom that all the boys chase

And all the right junk in all the right places

Here we see the first signs of the general theme of the song, being that it doesn’t matter how large or small young ladies are so long as they can still be sexually appealing, typically via seductive dances involving the backside. Now, I would like you to bear in mind that Meghan Trainor is singing this song to young ladies, and I mean middle-schoolers, the kind of girls who are already super-insecure in general, especially about their weight. This is because they have been told a million times that nobody will ever think they’re hot unless they look, dress, and act a certain way. And Meghan Trainor, aware that being attractive to others is the primary purpose of existence, comforts these insecure young ladies by telling them they can still get boys if they just skank it up. You know, like you’re supposed to do.

I confess in the music video for the song, Ms. Trainor does use exaggerated quotation gestures to imply that shaking it isn’t really what she’s supposed to do. And yet she’s very keen on boasting about this ability she possesses to shake and boom all the young men into submission. In fact, the only thing she wants to sing about more is how not skinny she is.

I would like to draw your attention to the picture at the top of this post. I know you probably scrolled past it quite hastily earlier, thinking it was a disturbing photograph of a gelatinous swamp monster, but look again. It is one of those “magic” pictures that changes when you stare at it long enough and make your eyes cross. Doing so reveals a perfectly healthy-looking young woman. This is actually notoriously obese pop singer Meghan “Big Fat Whale” Trainor. Isn’t she disgusting?

So, we are no more than half a minute into this song and we have already learned the following facts about the singer: she is just as insecure as any of the girls she’s singing to, she is a proud whore, and she definitely has feminine body parts that are not in her armpits or anything. This girl wastes no time! Let us continue:

I see that magazine workin’ that Photoshop

We know that s**t ain’t real

C’mon now, make it stop

If you got beauty, beauty, just raise ‘em up

‘Cause every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top

I was going to say something about the use of the word s**t not being very ladylike or role model-y, and I guess I did, didn’t I? Regardless, this verse does make an accurate statement about magazines altering the appearance of their models to make them look more stereotypically sexy. This is something that is regularly practiced and there are many young girls who may not be aware of this and think they need to look like these phony models in the magazines. Yes, Meghan Trainor speaks the truth!

And yet, a mere breath later, Trainor again encourages the same young ladies to, rather than alter their appearance to look good, act like common streetwalkers to look good. I am gathering this from the “raise ‘em up” comment, because I don’t think she’s referring to the raising of beautiful hands. I fully understand the need to stop girls from thinking there is something wrong with the way they look when there isn’t, but at the same time there must be a line drawn somewhere. Trainor is declaring that everyone is perfect from the bottom to the top, which is wildly false. I see nothing wrong with actually overweight people being encouraged to get fit. Not sickly skinny, of course, just smaller. There’s nothing perfect about diabetes.

She continues with a personal anecdote:

Yeah, my momma she told me don’t worry about your size

She says, “Boys like a little more booty to hold at night.”

You know I won’t be no stick-figure silicone Barbie doll

So if that’s what you’re into then go ahead and move along

I won’t say anything about her persistent misuse of the word no, except I just did, didn’t I? With these lyrics, all is made clear. Right there, that is why Meghan Trainor believes the things she does. Her mother taught her this way! Her dirty old mother told little Meghan not to bother with how much she weighs, because the men will be attracted to her anyway! Besides the fact that her mother really did get it right that the majority of men will be attracted to a woman as long as there is breath in her lungs, she has built all her advice on the idea that a girl’s lot in life is to be sexy. There is no other option! Your size doesn’t matter so long as you’re out there racking up the boy points! I hope I don’t have to explain the flaws of this life view any further.

Here is the second verse:

I’m bringing booty back

Go ahead and tell them skinny b***hes that

No, I’m just playing.

I know you think you’re fat

But I’m here to tell you

Every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top

Then she repeats the mother story and says ‘I’m all about that bass,” approximately 6 million times. I won’t harp on about the sexual politics of the song any longer and would now like to point out what a phony fake Meghan "Lard-O" Trainor is. First off, she has declared that she is solely responsible for bringing booty back. I don’t keep up with the news, but I do not recall hearing anything about the nation’s booty going missing. (What, was it stolen by pirates?) Let me assure you that my booty has never been misplaced, because I sealed it permanently to my body to ensure that it could never be removed without my knowledge.

I admit that there is a possibility that there were careless individuals who may have been robbed of their booty, but I would still like to see the evidence that this Trainor blob-girl was the one to actually rescue it. If this is indeed the case, then she is the pop artist whose booty-saving escapades were prophesied in the book of Daniel!

But seriously, I love how she taunts all those skinny b***hes, only to immediately add, “No, I’m just playing!” This is the exact same as telling someone, “You are the dumbest person I’ve ever met! Just kidding!” It’s speaking your mind and pretending that you weren’t. It’s double-talk and it’s evil and it is unfortunately employed by all female women of the Earth. So it is disheartening to hear it further suggested by one of the top feminine role models. Meghan Trainor should be removed from her position as music educator. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I implore you to find Meghan Trainor guilty of hypocrisy and throw her on the mercy of the court.

As for the skinny b***hes problem plaguing America, it was also addressed recently with more grace and tact by Nicki Minaj, who is Meghan Trainor’s senior by a decade (Trainor is 20), and has brought those extra years of wisdom to the table in considering how to best deal with the situation. What she came up with was a bold and witty song that looked skinny in the eye and said, “We have grown weary of your kind and will stand for it no longer! Away with you!”

The song was entitled “Anaconda.” Below is a piece of flowery prose extracted from that song. Let it wash over you.

This one is for my b***hes with a fat-a** in the f**king club!

I said (No you didn’t), where my fat-a** big b***hes in the club?

F**k the skinny b***hes! F**k the skinny b***hes in the club!

I wanna see all the big fat-a** b***hes in the motherf**king club!

F**k you if you skinny b***hes! What?! Kyuh!

(Actual song lyrics have been taken from Google Play.)

Yes, Minaj’s impassioned lecture put all the skinny b***hes to shame and the world’s great thinkers will study the effects of her heroic deed for centuries to come. Nicki Minaj will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in 2015 for “her unselfish struggle against the skinny b***h infestation in the motherf**king clubs and the oppression of big fat-a** b***hes all over the world.”

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Are you, of all people, about that bass? Or are you on the side of that treble? Let me know in the comments below or personally at beauxmoviemail@gmail.com!