The Expendables 2 (2012)

You know those times when all the cool kids in class show up for the lamest party ever and try to distract everyone from this fact by performing every magic trick in their reportoire (They're all magicians.)? This is one of those times. Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Chuck Norris, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger Terry Crews, Randy Coutoure, and Liam Hemsworth all star in this sequel to the unnecessarily popular The Expendables. I can just see the Lionsgate executives rubbing their hands together greedily and muttering, "We've hit the jackpot with this one, boys. Give Stallone everything he needs and let's get some more profit up in here." I almost feel bad for dissing the efforts of someone who is the main cause of getting a movie made and has a real genuine passion about it, like Stallone does for these movies, but all I can see is wasted effort. Yet, the massive fanbase has not let the movie down. What do these people see in it?

It took me a while to realize that the first Expendables movie wasn't a parody. I seriously thought that it was a big, stupid joke, but then I caught on to how dedicated action fans are to their beloved genre. At my screening of The Expendables 2, people, laughed, cheered, rooted, and booed in unison. It was like being at a pep rally for a high school with a bad team and overzealous parents. I will not describe the plot of the movie because I'd be doing it too big of a favor pretending it has one worth mentioning. The movie is literally nothing but a hodepodge of action sequences, one-liners, and celebrity appearances. I think half the reason people like these movies are because of all the big action stars showing up at once. However, I very much doubt anybody my age has actually seen a Chuck Norris movie, and if they had, they may not have applauded his cameo. The simple marriage of star and violence is apparently enough to keep an audience still for a couple hours. Why they should also so dutifully ignore the true idiocy of the screenplay by Stallone and Richard Wenk is astounding. We all know Schwarzenegger was in The Terminator. We get that guns can easily allude to the male sex organ. We understand that real manliness is being built, shooting guns in the air, and cutting off people's heads. That is, anybody who's ever been to the movies does.

I know that nothing I say against this movie will be enough to keep away those who will see it no matter what. They will enjoy it. I don't know why. Usually, a movie can carry itself at least a little if it's made well for its purpose, even if the material it contains is rubbish. But this movie is so uncommonly stupid that I am having a very hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that there a great many people who love it. They will argue that it's not supposed to be deep, just entertaining. I agree, but it isn't entertaining. The movie's sole reason for being, the action, is so horribly pointless that for most of the scenes overflowing with carnage, I had no idea who was dying, why, or how. If that's not bad enough, look at some samples of dialogue.

"We keep it light until we have to get dark. Then we get pitch black."

'War is so pointless, such a waste of innocent lives. And what's worse, they shot my dog I adopted."

Arnold Schwarzengger: "I'll be back."
Bruce Willis: "You've been back enough. I'll be back."
Schwarzenegger: "Yippee-ki-yay."

3/10