Man of Steel (2013)

I nearly got into a mild argument with a friend the other day because he, like most people, thought Iron Man 3 was stupid and I, unlike most people, thought Man of Steel was awful. I want to make a few things clear to my readers: I do not go into a movie specifically intending to hate it, I do not intentionally form my opinions just to disagree with people and I am not so pretentious that I try to convince people not to like a movie they enjoyed. I am here to state my opinion, whether you agree with it or not. I know a lot of people think very highly of Zack Snyder’s new Superman movie and I understand their reasoning. As far as what I think goes, it all boils down to the fact that I go to the movies to enjoy myself. Regardless of style, subject matter, cast or crew, every movie has the potential to be enjoyable if made well. Man of Steel simply isn’t any fun to watch.

Superman is probably one of the most accomplished film superheroes, with more than 5 movies to its name, only one of which is completely unwatchable. The original 1979 movie with Christopher Reeve is, in my opinion, the greatest of its genre. It was not just a great superhero movie or even just a great fantasy; it was a great movie, period. Man of Steel spends the majority of its two and a half hours retreading the already public knowledge origin story, albeit with a few slight changes. It opens expectedly on the planet Krypton where Jor-El (Russell Crowe) sends his new child into space right before the planet implodes. The child lands on Earth, is adopted and named Clark Kent (Henry Cavill), who becomes known as Superman because he can fly and lift buildings and stuff. In this movie, Superman must battle the evil Zod (Michael Shannon), who was banished from Krypton after he tried to overthrow its government.

Where do I start? Pretty much everything about this movie is wrong. For starters, it follows the current superhero trend of being as dark and grimy as possible. When I say dark, I mean everything from visuals to theme. The opening scene is an extended, brutal childbirth. The closing scenes literally result in the destruction of Metropolis, complete with buildings toppling, cars crushing and presumably countless lives being lost. I half expected Superman to give some inspirational speech about rebuilding things from ashes or something, but no; everything’s just… destroyed. Everything in-between these scenes is so dismal, so borderline R-ratedly graphic in terms of violence that it is one of the most depressing things I’ve seen recently. I still remember the first time I saw the original Superman and how wondrous and exciting and new it was. Young people today get cynicism instead of fantasy and bland terrorists chaotically blowing things up instead of charismatic villains actually enacting thought-out plans in movies that had to be written and not just visualized.

Zack Snyder is the man who made the superb Watchmen movie and the empty but stylish 300. Those movies, especially Watchmen, had narratives, characters and a general reason for being. They benefited from Snyder’s cynical direction, but it did not carry over well to Man of Steel. As already mentioned, it is thematically aggravating and visually unpleasant. Every scene is practically tinted black and computer animation is largely ineffective, making the whole production something of an eyesore. Additionally, the acting is almost entirely atrocious. The character of Lois Lane is unfortunately played by the lovely Amy Adams who is wasted in a role that seems to exist as an afterthought. Michael Shannon as Zod goes so over the top that his performance invites laughter and mockery. The incredible acting he did in Take Shelter just two years ago seems like ancient history and I smell a Razzie in his future. Finally, Henry Cavill is one of the worst leading men of all time, playing Superman with a catatonic disinterest. He must have been cast for his shirtless scenes, because he displays a ridiculous lack of any talent. Seriously, watch his face; it not only never changes from an unconvincing look of stern aggression, I swear he licks his lips before every monotone line. I miss Robert Downey, Jr.

Man of Steel is just as stupid as The Avengers, but just as serious as The Dark Knight. I still wonder how movies like this are written. Surely the screenplay did not read: “Two CGI figures imperceptibly sprawl while flying through the air and into buildings. What they are doing does not matter because the camera will be zipping all over and nothing will be visible. This lasts for three hours.” Yet this is all we see during the final fight sequence, which is preceded by several other similar scenes, equally impossible to follow, all thoroughly pointless. I understand the appeal of action movies as adrenaline rushes, but there isn’t a frame of this movie that is exciting in the slightest. What goes through the heads of its fans? I defy any of them to give me even one logical reason for liking it. I have yet to hear even a bad reason for anyone liking The Avengers. Could it be that there just isn’t one? Man of Steel is an idiotic, repulsive, nauseating, worthless, joyless excuse for a movie. It will sell a lot of tickets.

4/10

By the way, with all the modern changes this movie makes (Even the name Superman is treated as if it were the most preposterously antiquated thing ever.), why does Superman still have a cape? His costume comes from Krypton, yet nobody else from the planet wears a cape and it serves no purpose. Plus, The Incredibles proved how dangerous they are. I'm just sayin'.