I have finally seen Pitch Perfect and I really did try to like it as much as all my female friends, but it was just ok. It had its moments, but I just really didn't find it all that funny or entertaining. And now I know why none of my guy friends like the movie. It is a total chick flick.
A chick flick is any film that is built and targeted for the enjoyment of women exclusively. They can be light comedies, weepy dramas, or a mixture of both. They can be crass, but never dirty, and are most often sweet and uplifting. Keep in mind that a date movie is not a chick flick or vice versa. A date movie can be enjoyed by both sexes and has its own separate directives, while a chick flick cannot, with very rare exceptions, be enjoyed by a heterosexual man. Here are just 7 of the basic chick flick rules Pitch Perfect follows verbatim:
1. The lead must be pretty, but not so attractive that the female viewer gets jealous. Similarly, the villain must be a beautiful and horrible person. The heroine and the villain may become friends at the end, so long as the villain is still vain and stupid. There is also somebody, usually the heroine's best friend, who is fat and the butt of half the jokes.
2. The male love interest must be impossibly attractive and/or likable, while all other guys in the film must be jerkwads or dorks so that there is never a reason that the heroine would have any other romantic option.
3. The heroine will fall for the love interest, even if the guy is obnoxious, though she will never want to at first, even if there is no good reason for her hostility. Either that, or she throws herself at him and he's not interested and has to be coaxed into it by his friends. (The guy's friends are always comic relief, but never more charming than the hero.)
4. There is always a character who is sick. In a comedy, there's "hilarious" projectile vomit or perhaps a bicycle accident that leads to a funny hospital visit. In a drama, the heroine's mother dies of cancer.
5. The relationship between the leads will always go well until some silly misunderstanding breaks them up momentarily. They get back together either after the heroine accomplishes whatever she was trying to do the whole movie (win a competition, tell off her parents/teacher/boss, open a restaurant) or after he helps her accomplish it. The only other exception is if she is reluctantly marrying some other cad, and the hero interrupts. He always runs in right before she says, "I do," and she will always go with him a few seconds later.
6. The heroine is always the best at whatever she does, though she is always practical about it and never bragadocious. If it's singing, for example, the other characters can be good or as good at singing, but not better than the lead.
7. The heroine, for whatever reason, cries.
Some definite chick flicks that break the rules include Fifty Shades of Grey which is dirty and not uplifting, Magic Mike which isn't about women at all, and The Fault in Our Stars which was actually emotionally genuine despite featuring all the usual slop.
It just occurred to me that all the best chick flicks (the ones easily enjoyed by both sexes) are comedies. Ex: Bridesmaids, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Jerry Maguire, Legally Blonde, etc.
Men simply cannot enjoy dramatic chick flicks because we can't relate to the things that make women cry. A woman pooping in her wedding dress, however, is another story entirely.
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What rule-breaking chick flicks have I forgotten? Let me know in the comments below or at beauxmoviemail@gmail.com.
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